Chapter 11 - A GIFT FROM CAROL, MR. FRIENDLY

We had started with the post-its stuck on every item in the house, and with the donation from Jeanne Marie, each person had a notebook and their English lessons began in my home.

The volunteer group of Quakers had found an ESL ( English as a second language) class in the middle of Richmond but quickly realized this was not for our guys, at least not yet. The adults and older children of the Ngeam family, including Kan and Hung, came out early from their first class. Their facial expressions told me enough. I thought I was getting pretty good at reading the inscrutable! Frustration, anger, insecurity, they were confused, intimidated, overwhelmed, my poor darling family! The English as a second language school had assumed that they would be familiar with the roman letters, and Cambodians were not, their lettering is closer to Sanskrit.

They also assumed they could attend class surrounded by Vietnamese and this was a big mistake, at least until they were a little more acclimated to the melting pot theory…

The countries had been at war for many centuries, and it was the Vietnamese that had overrun their country again. They did not like each other. And the first Vietnamese that they had encountered had seemed intimidating, toughened by inner-city life. In the hall of the school, they had purposely nudged and walked into Bobby and Hung, trying to provoke a fight. They snatched Seng’s cap from his head. They made crude remarks to the girls and women, thankfully not fully understood. Bobby was the only one to understand anything in class, and no one wanted to return, and I needed to find a better solution, fast!

So for the first weeks, we home-schooled, and the Buddies helped an hour a week with individuals. They asked me for guidance and instructions. “ But how do I teach this?” asked Dr. Wilkins, “ I have no idea how to approach this, I have never taught before?” Said John, an engineer. Goodie asked me if I had made a lesson plan for them. They all knew I was a real estate agent and had only three years of University, and still, they looked to me for guidance. I think it’s the Irish in me, I could always fly by the seat of my pants. So, a plan. Sure…

I started what we ended up calling Survival English. It was all trial and error, and we did our best to make it non-stressful, fun but fast-paced, they needed English to get work. I used lots of Richard Scary. I used several kid songs, to energize the group. We all stood in my living room screaming ( singing) “ Head and Shoulders baby 1, 2, 3! Head and shoulders baby, 1, 2, 3. Tess and Annabelle loved to help with that one, and helped add new body parts, they all learned bum. Then I started classes, on the most necessary phrases: “ Excuse me, sir, I am lost, can you help me?” “ My name is ____.” “ My sponsor is Tricia Chillcott.“

“ I live on Lakeshore Court.”

We made emergency papers with my address, my home phone number, and “ I am lost, please help me call my sponsor?” everyone had to carry these at all times.

I learned to make a gesture or action with every word I could.

Right - swing right arm out pointing to the right

Left – swing left arm out pointing left

Turn right, turn left, turn around, turn the key, turn the knob, make the gesture, do it, and have them do it while saying it. “ how do I explain the word knob?” I wondered. The volunteers came to watch me teach, and take notes.

I taught: Over, under, around, and through by stepping over Annabelle, Bobby and Seng volunteered to hold Tess as a bridge, and I crawled under, walked around Moi, and walked through Soy and Jenny’s clasped hands. I had them each repeat the action and say the word as they did. We laughed a lot. I tried speaking Khmer, they laughed themselves silly. I had heard them call each other bong, and so I called a few of them Bong, and they fell down laughing. more, and began to try. The fear of looking foolish at least within our small family group was gone.

More buddies volunteered to teach more specialized classes.

At the dental association, I had gone with Lorne to a meeting to beg for help and had explained what had happened with Bobby. It had traumatized everyone involved. They sent a volunteer to teach dental hygiene, to all ages. They brought a giant tooth and a giant toothbrush, it was quite an evening! They also took on the entire family, each associate helping, with no or very limited costs, except for replacements for teeth that were missing, or really had to go. The buddies of the 4 youngest children paid for fluoride treatments for the little ones, though most of the funds came from Bert. I knew Annie needed teeth, her front teeth were missing. I had to find the money for those teeth and the bridgework. She was an exceptionally beautiful girl, but because of her teeth, she was very shy, never smiling, hiding her mouth behind her hands. She was just about 16 and the injustice was driving me. I sold our pool table right out of our recreation room, in the church auction. Annie got her teeth. We never played pool anyway. And wow! Her smile lit up the room, and our shy little teen blossomed. She was gorgeous! Her entire demeanor changed, and she became confident, a coquette!

Goodie had arranged for one of the local private schools to allow us to teach there, using a classroom, one evening a week. As time passed it became several classrooms, with diverse classes, levels, and subjects taught. I was helping Loretta on a regular basis by this time, and going out to speak to other groups interested in being sponsors, or making donations. I offered our assistance to would-be sponsors, wrote several pamphlets, and eventually a paper on sponsoring. The Cambodian population then began to grow in Virginia.

One of the Quakers, a nice guy named Joseph had not been sure that he had anything to give that would be of value, but found that he had much more to offer than he had imagined. We had talked after our Sunday meeting at the shared meal, a Quaker custom. I told him of how Kan had tried to go for a job interview and had instructions on how to ride the bus home. I had worried, but she said she could do it, and it was a straight line from the place she would be. Her buddy had explained exactly what she must do. The interview had not gone well. Then the interviewer walked her through the factory building, and she was shown out a back door. She was upset with how little she could answer, and then realized she was not on the same street that she had used to enter. Kan got very lost, walking to try to find the bus stop. She spoke very little English. She was very shy. She found a telephone booth and called me.

“ Mommy, I'm very lost.” I heard her say. They had all started to call me Mommy, repeating what Tess and Annabelle said. It was a bit odd to hear old Tek run up to my car waving, and calling “ Mommy.”

“ Ok, Kan, is there a street sign? With letters on it? Go look and read me the letters.” I said and waited.

“ I write down sign. “she said,

“ Ok Kan, read it to me letter by letter”

“ N-O – P- A –R- K –I –N –G “ and “ S-L –O –W C- H –I –L –D –R –E –N “

Ok, she was at the corner of “ no parking and slow children”, should be easy to find, no problem. Damn.

“ Ok, Kan, is there someone there to ask for help? They can talk to me on the phone?”

“ I scared.”

“ Kan, please try?”

“ I shy.”

“ I know dear, but you are lost, we need help, please look if someone has a kind face? Be brave! “

It took some time, but finally, I heard a voice say “ Hello, This is Luanne Montgomery. There is a lady here, who says she is lost.”

Funny thing is, this little incident had a real ripple effect. Luanne drove Kan out to me, she said she was coming my way anyway. She came in and had a cup of tea, and was very interested in what we were doing. And before you knew it Luanne had her church sponsoring another Cambodian Family. Calling on me or Goodie when advice was needed. Plus the story inspired Joseph. He knew right away what he would teach! Cartography was his hobby and passion! He decided to teach the adults to read a map, to understand where they were in Richmond and Virginia. And he would add to this, how to find your bus, and how the bus routes ran. They all got quite good at the direction, North, South, East, and West. He took his classes out to learn to ride the bus, as a field trip. It became one of the most popular classes, even attracting some of the Vietnamese, and apparently, they decided it was worth being on their best behavior, as there were no problems.

I was living in a wonderfully busy buzzing bee hive. The only one really lagging way behind was the mother, Goodie‘s buddy, Li. Goodie was patient and worked so hard, but no matter what she did, Li wasn’t learning, which made Li feel sad and ashamed. She tried and tried, her face was so sweet and so sincere, but the frustration grew. But Goodie never gave up. She tried everything she could think of, spending hours with Li, and developing a sweet friendship, even with little or no English.

It took many months and patient questioning. We learned that Li had had several ear infections in the Pol Pot camps, which had never been treated. Working in the rain, and sometimes standing knee-deep in water, with little rest, and little food, the infections got worse. We arranged a hearing exam, and found that Li was nearly deaf! She couldn’t hear what was being said, so she wasn’t able to learn English! The Test showed that she missed generally the beginnings and endings of each word, only catching a bit of the middle sound. But through Goodie’s diligence and persistence, the heroes in Lion’s club stepped up and gave Li a hearing aid. Learning began, slowly, but she began to understand. She no longer felt so ashamed, she laughed more often, though old Tek had always been able to make her laugh.

There was another urgent need for a class, and we decided to push poor Lorne into this one. It seemed apparent that the immigrants were arriving, gaining back their health, and right away, pregnant! Many were happy, but many were not. They had thought that they were no longer fertile, and had not worried about getting pregnant. Many didn’t know there was a way to prevent it, being from rural areas, and having little or no sex education. . A few were depressed and desperate to get rid of their pregnancies, trying old wives tale remedies to lose them. Some asked for abortion if they knew it could be done, and if they had someone they trusted to ask. Goodie and I thought Lorne was someone they all respected and would listen to. Lorne looked at me and Goodrun as if we asked him to fly to Mars.

But he took on the task, he said he would just teach a small group, mostly ours and a few more families that we had also assisted in one way or another. He wanted men only to start. I wish I could have heard what was going on, a fly on the wall. There was some laughter. Lorne had brought several bananas with him, and a lot of condoms.

He had been shaking his head in disbelief on his way in. He shook it again as he came out, shrugging his shoulders. The professor, the Dean, Head of Medicine, were stumped by a sex education class for our new immigrants. The “class had ended after only forty-five minutes. Lorne explained that it took at least ten minutes to pour tea, sit in the way Tek felt was appropriate, and say all the hellos. Then, he said “ I started to stumble on my words. I didn’t quite know how to breach the subject, or to explain why I was teaching this.” “ I was going to draw an anatomically correct penis on the whiteboard,” he continued. " but I heard some murmurs, and soft laughter and changed my mind. I looked at Tek’s face and erased it. There was a little more laughing under their breaths. I finally got them to understand this was about sex, Bobby told them. That sure got their attention! Lots of discussion in Khmer.” Lorne kept shaking his head. “Bobby said “ Yes we all like it, We find sex very interesting. My father says he is very good at sex. He has made eleven children. How about you, Dr. Lorne?” Dr. Lorne looked at us shaking his head again,” I didn’t know how to answer. “ he sighed. I laughed, and told him I had only two.” “ Then Tek said, “ HA! “ nodding his head, and he crossed his arms, grinning.” Then Lorne took a deep breath, “ then Samnung said “ My wife doesn’t like I make sex with her anymore. What must I do? “ “ Ah! “ answered Tek right away. “ Your wife is Pregnant! No more top, you! She maybe also not. You try side?” ” I lost the class exclaimed Lorne!” That old man started making gyrations, and talked of positions, oh my god, I should have taken notes,” he half giggled. I thought indeed, what do I think I am doing? Trying to teach about sex to this man?

“I just told Bobby to say: “ If it is not a good time to make a baby, then you must do this:” “ I showed them how to put a condom on a banana. Every time before you have sex, you must do this! Thank you!” Goodie and I had to chuckle, and we thanked Lorne for helping. But a bit later, decided we had to have another class, this time for the women. We soon realized they did just what the doctor had told them. They respected Dr. Lorne and followed his instructions to the letter. They put the condoms on the bananas and sat the covered bananas next to the bed. Two more pregnancies ensued.

Carol had given me a crank gift, a joke, because of my complaining about being alone all the time. It was a dildo. I can’t believe I am admitting that I owned the thing. But I must say this was a very funny one, with a goofy face, and a bow tie. So, since I was elected to teach sex education, or at least that there were options and contraception was available, I decided to bring the dildo. It was battery-operated and if you sat him on the table, he danced all around. That is exactly what I did to start the class. I introduced him as Mr. Friendly. At first, there was a moment of astonished quiet, as these shy, demure ladies eyed the dancing plastic penis. And then an explosion of laughter carried through my whole home. Giddy, uncontrollable, silly, teary-eyed laughter that just wouldn’t stop. Rolling on the floor holding their bellies, and howling. Lord, I loved these women. After the laughter finally died down, the discussion flowed freely. No shame nor false modesty, they were down to earth and pragmatic about sex, and their options for birth control. I told them they could ask their doctors, or they could ask me or Goodie to make them an appointment with Planned Parenthood if they wished. I had a few brochures that I had picked up, to hand out. They were happy to learn about what was available and what was the best choice for their own situation. And two of them asked where they could buy a Mr. Friendly too!